What a Transgender Sex Worker Taught Me About Shame
Overcoming Shame By Owning Your Truth
Years ago, a friend of mine contacted me. Her friend would be visiting the city where I lived, and didn’t know anyone there. Would I be willing to meet her for coffee? Sure! I’d be happy to.
Our mutual friend passed along contact information for each of us, and we set up a time to meet.
We met at a restaurant one evening, and our conversation flowed easily. It was as if we were friends who’d known each other for years. We shared about dating, love, sex, men, and so many other topics.
She was a transgender sex worker who also worked in a security-clearance job in tech. I asked her how she navigated those two, and she explained quite simply: “Because I don’t hide it.”
She explained that her job entailed a high level of security clearance. The hiring process included some in-depth questions about personal history and secrets. Was there an affair? Any secrets that could be dangerous if they got out? The company didn’t want their employees to be susceptible to blackmail, which could lead to confidential information being shared.
Being a transgender person, and being a sex worker, means living with an intersection of two marginalized identities. Many sex workers, and many transgender people face discrimination, judgement, and imposed shame on a regular basis. It’s gotten a little better now than it was years ago, but that’s not saying much.
If she’d been secretive about either of those, she would have never gotten her job at the high-security tech company. Someone could have threatened to “out” her, sharing her personal information publicly if she didn’t give them the company’s information they wanted.
She was openly transgender and open about being a sex worker. Her friends and family knew; her colleagues knew. It wasn’t a big issue because she made it a simple fact. She owned it.
That’s not to say that she didn’t still face judgement or discrimination — she did — yet she didn’t hide who she is.
Her courage and strength to show up fully, to live unapologetically as her true self, and to be open about who she is, inspires me even today.
We all have things that we feel self-conscious about, that we’re worried about being judged on. We all have secrets and shames, things that we might want to hide.
What are you ready to own? What can you bravely learn to hold as an undeniable truth, no longer in shameful secrecy?
I’m not saying that we should divulge everything to everyone — that’s a personal choice, and can go far in the other direction.
The difference to me is when something is a hidden secret, versus a private truth. If other people found out, what would be the likely consequences? How would you feel?
A friend recently told me, “We can be open and still choose what we share. Some things are kept for those who deserve it.” He expanded on that by saying “Sharing levels can parallel levels of intimacy.”
I fully agree. Sharing personal details does provide a sense of intimacy, of knowing. What do I want to share with others, and what do I want to hold to myself, unafraid though, if it ever got out?
What do you want to bravely hold as your unashamed truth?
When I live in my unashamed truth, I live in my power. I become stronger in my sense of self. When I can release my own shame and judgement about it, I become more resilient and protected from the shame and judgement others might put on me.
That’s what I learned from her.
Own it. Don’t hide it. Then they can’t use it against you.
Reclaim your power and release your shame.
What are you willing to accept in yourself?
